Gwapo Problems: Musings on the Existential Anguish of the Absurdly Handsome

Gwapo Problems: Musings on the Existential Anguish of the Absurdly Handsome from Illustrado

by Nicholo Jallores

From Illustrado Magazine Issue #78

There’s The Cute guy. There’s The Handsome Guy. There’s The Hot Guy. And then there’s the Absurdly Good-looking: men who are aesthetically pleasing beyond all discernible reason and genetic feasibility.

Girls fawn over them, while guys… well, they fawn over them too, albeit in a different and more confounded kind of way. You see them walking towards your general direction and suddenly you go into tunnel vision – the world whizzes by you while you are stuck looking at this magnificent being moving in seeming slow motion. Your mind races at a million miles per minute, wondering how it is possible for one guy to possess a world’s worth of beauty. Such is the discrepancy between your looks and theirs that they actually look like they are made of an entirely different organic material. If you were molded from clay, they were sculpted from diamonds. If you are the salt of the earth, they are sugar and spice, oak bark and cigars. They even smell differently – they can never be “stinky,” only “musky.” They glow as if their skin cells are microscopic prisms that bend and improve the light.

Some men just have it all. Looks AND talent. Check ‘em out.


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